Deep

I think the most painful thing I have ever done in my life, was falling in love for my bestfriend..
Don’t get me wrong, she is amazing.. She’s has this.. this natural strive that I admired so much. Like she can do anything in life, and I honestly believe she can. If she wanted the world, it be her's. If she wanted to dance, she’d sore. What I loved most is that she could find the beauty out of anything. I remember once, we were walking in the park and we noticed a rather old couple kissing. I thought it was bit awkward honestly, but she just stared in amazement. I nudged her a tiny bit and told her it’s rude to stare. She laughed and said, “I can’t help it.. Look at the way he looks at her.. It’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. And look at her, even in old age I can see why he loves her.. She’s beautiful.. I wonder if I’ll ever be that lucky. Maybe one day.” She shrugged and continued walking. And as I stared after her, I had this sudden urge just to grab her hand right there and hold her.. And just tell her she could if she was with me.. But I couldn’t..
So one day at school she ran up to me and leaped into my arms where I gladly caught her. She had the most radiating smile set across her face and her cheeks were flushed. I asked her what did I do, hoping it was me who made her smile that is.. And she laughed and kissed my cheek, “You didn’t do anything haha, the guy of my dreams just asked me to be his girlfriend! Look at what he got me!“ Ouch. I felt that hit. And even though I just wanted to sit down and think, I couldn’t let myself falter. So I squared my shoulders and stood up straight as I smiled, “That’s great, I’m happy for you bestfriend.” It must have been the best performance of life.
But that wasn’t the painful part. It hurt, but it was bearable. I was too consumed by the thought of her being happy, my own happiness wasn’t that much of an issue. No, the tormenting part came a year later.
One random night at around midnight she called me. And the moment I heard her say hello, My heart cracked. She had been crying. I couldn’t understand a single word she was saying.. She just kept rambling and sobbing about how badly she was hurting. I told her to wait for me and that I’d be there in a secon. I grabbed my car keys and hurried to her house.
I came around back to find her window open for me. I hopped right into the pitch dark room looking for her. After a moment I heard a sob escape, and there she was.. in the corner of the room holding herself tightly. I rushed up to her and held her close, telling her it was going to be alright, and that I was here for her. I held her like that for what felt like forever. Just in the dark, holding her tight against my chest, trying so hard not to cry. I had to be strong for this fragile little thing.
After awhile of hopeless crying, she fell asleep. I picked her up as I stood up. Walking over so much stuff but I didn’t think nothing of it yet. I set her down in the bed and headed for the light.
I clicked it on and shock consumed me. Everything was in chaos. Her chair was flipped on the floor, there had been a tiny hole in the wall, her clothes were every where, and in the corner I saw some broken glass. I walked over to see a picture frame smashed. I turned it over and saw a picture of her with her boyfriend. She was looking beautiful of course, and he.. he just looked so cocky and stupid. I took the picture out and tore it in half, putting her half in my wallet as I ripped the other half into a thousands of shreds. I started to clean up the glass until I noticed a bit that there was a small trail of blood on the floor, and I followed it and noticed where it led.. To the corner of the room.. where I had first found her..
No she couldn’t have. I instantly walked right over to her and slightly adjusted her to see her wrists.. and oh my god. There it was. A bit of dried blood on her arm and a handkerchief wrapped around the cut. My heart finally broke.
The fact that she had done that.. and the reason why because of some guy.. It killed me. Seeing my bestfriend, The girl I had so deeply fallen in love with, hurt herself like this. When I know I could clearly do better. When I know I would never ever hurt her. When I know this would never happen with me. It destroyed me..
I laid in bed beside her and held her close, dear god help her.. The next morning when I woke up I found her sitting at her desk starring at the window. I sat up and looked at her.. even in this state of depression, she still looked breathtaking.
Morning, I said. But she didn’t respond. Instead she looked down at her wrist and slightly smiled, “He cheated on me.. I just found out last night.. it’s actually been going on for a few months now aha. Funny thing is I sort of noticed just didn’t say anything.. ” That I did not know. I stood up about to apologize but she said, “You know what the worst part is? That after a year of dating, I fell in love with him. Not that bull shitted crap teens believe they’re in. No, I know I loved him…so much..” Her voice was barely above a whisper now, “I loved him. I gave him all of me.. and I wasn’t enough. Ha, I feel so… so worthless.” After awhile I asked her what she meant by ‘all of me’.
She finally turned to look at me with those sad brown eyes, “We.. I gave him me.. I gave him my first time.. We made love.. at least to me it was.. HA! Look at me, your bestfriend just made the biggest mistake of her life. I must look so stupid to you huh?!” She stood up abruptly and threw her stuff off the table at the wall.
I grabbed her, hoping to restrain her, but she was trying so hard to shake me off. “Let go of me! Get away Get away!” But I just held on tighter, even when she hit me, I just kept holding. Too determined.
She finally stopped resisting and crashed against my chest and the crying finally came again. “What did I do wrong!? All I did was love him! I gave him everything and all of me! God what happened! I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do.” She screamed and I only held her tighter. It was the scariest part of my life.
And for the next few months, it was always like this. Her cutting herself at random times. Her screaming from the pain. Her crying to me on the phone..
The hardest part about falling in love with your bestfriend, is watching them suffer in agony over some worthless guy. And realizing just how much she loved him and knowing if you were just given the chance, she would never have to hurt like this...

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